"I wanna gamble and fall in love with you." - Lacey Sturm
I remember when I first laid eyes on him. I thought he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. I love telling this story because...well it's silly. I'm ridiculous. I was just dragged to a birthday party, got drunk, saw Matthew, and cried in my mom's boyfriend's car for an hour because I thought he'd never want to speak to me. (It probably wasn't actually an hour but time gets pretty messed up when you're drunk, lets be real.) The next day, one of us (probably me) found the other on Facebook, and then Matthew wouldn't stop texting me. Now that I was sober, I realized how dumb this all was. Why would this beautiful man bother with me? I had no idea. Why did he keep begging me to hang out? I had no idea. Eventually, I just hung out with him so that he'd realize that I'm lame and boring and then he'd leave me alone, I'd cry for two weeks, and life would carry on. Nope, that's not what happened. Clearly!
Our first date was too weird. No joke...I met pretty much his entire family in one day! I was like. "What is this?!" Then we watched "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II".....why I agreed to that is still a mystery to this day. Trying to hide my sobs during the entire movie was a nightmare! I have no idea why he would want to keep talking to someone who hid in her hoodie all night, but here we are! We've also been inseparable ever since. I honestly think the longest we've been apart is a week.
I remember the first time Matthew said, "I love you." I'm pretty sure I said something like, "Don't you go throwing those words around!" while he said, "I don't!" and I responded, "Okay. Well...I'm in LIKE with you." Yeah..I said that...But I knew I was in love with him before he even said it, I just would never have admitted it so soon! I just felt so safe with him, and the first time I fell asleep in his arms, I knew I was in love.
We started dating in 2013 and it's 2019 and I have no idea where the time has gone or what my life would look like if I never would have let myself fall in love. In the beginning of our relationship, I didn't want to, because I let Matthew in at a not so good time of my life. I remember a few conversations that went along the lines of, "I have enough problems, I don't need to add to them." I tried to push him away, but it wasn't possible. I fell in love so fast and I was scared. I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved. Before Matthew, I never wanted a relationship. I liked the idea, sure, just like anyone else, but the reality was: dating me came with baggage, and I'd die before letting anyone else help carry it. But for whatever reason, Matthew didn't care, and I guess I didn't care about his baggage either.
We've come along way since 2013, and I don't want to get into specifics because this blog is about me not Matthew. I'll just keep it simple: we helped each other heal. We grew together. We bettered ourselves, and it's my belief, that we showed everyone that we are capable of more than what is shown at face value. Neither of us were ever perfect, nor will we ever be, but together we did our best. Together we built a life for ourselves. Together we continue to grow and heal. We continue to love each other despite our faults and mistakes. We just fit.
Every time I look at Matthew I don't know how he could love me. This woman who he's watched become broken, so many times. This woman who acts out in fits of rage. This woman who cries herself to sleep. How could he love such a big ball of anxiety? I don't freaking know, but I'm thankful. I'm thankful for his love. I hope I'm a good enough wife to show him that.
I may not know why he loves me, but I know why I love him. I love the way he smiles when he looks at me. The way he's so passionate about stupid video games, the way I am with films and books. I love how confident he is and how he doesn't let anyone bring his confidence down. How hardworking he is. I love his laugh. Oh Lord, how I love those hazel eyes. I love that stupid little smirk he does when he's being a smart ass. I love when he tries to scream metal in the car. How he spent forever listening to the "Harry Potter" books. I love that he accepts who I am and doesn't try to change my quirks. I love his quirk even if they drive me nuts. I even love when he loses things when they were just right in front of him. I love that he wants me to lay with him until he falls asleep even though I want to go watch something stupid on TV. The way he's so loud and passionate about what he believes in. His stupid nickname for me...I even love that. He supports me through everything. He encourages me to be the best woman I can be. I love that he never ran away every time I've lost myself. I could list a million other things, but most of all, I really love the man I've watched him become.
Two years ago, on October 7, 2017, I married this man. We became "one flesh" (Ephesians 5:31), officially. It's documented...as I like to say. It will always be the best day of my life, simply because I got to marry this man. I could've gotten married in a potato sack in the middle of God knows where and I would've been happy. There's no man I would have rather chosen to spend the rest of my life with. There's no man I'd rather have holding my hand while I walk through this earth everyday than his. As long as I know that his face is the one I'll be waking up to every day, for the rest of my life, I think I'll be okay.
The future awaits us, my love, and I can't wait to see how much more we grow together.
I'm proud of us.